It is a strange thing being convicted of not loving people. It's a pride issue, really (as noted by a former entry, "Pride's Antonym of Love"). Here is the typical case:
I go out somewhere, usually to my local church. I'm feeling okay when I'm reminded of my problem. How'd I get here? I have no clue - conviction, I guess. Maybe it's the Spirit that's convicting me. Anyway, there stands my once-close friend. I love him (or her)... or, I did, until I discovered I don't love anyone. At least, I don't feel like I love anyone. Jon, avoid him. You only want to talk to him for your own benefit. You don't care about how he's doing; you care only and ever about yourself. Reluctantly I walk away, torn by the thought that I will be depressed whether I stay or avoid. Oh, so now you're good. You see, Jon, you're so humble now that you're convicted about love. Congratulations; you're a super saint - stop! You can't think that, or else you'll lose your high standing as a humble person. Wait. Does such a standing exist? Now I'm stuck in this mire of depression. And I've been thinking about myself this whole time. So I am stuck in pride (self pity) and in loveless-ness. I clam up and avoid any glance at those familiar faces. I am swallowed in confusion. I'm then hurt. The rest of the day is haunted by my greatest fear - that I am wallowing in self pity (terminology taken from the Grinch) and hating love. Remember God's promises! Remember Romans 8. Jon, there is no condemnation - BUT I FEEL LIKE A DAMNED CREATURE! Indeed, "nothing good dwells in me" - that's the part of Romans I know. Paul can argue all he wants, but I am the chief of sinners. And now that I have thought that to myself I am going to think what a great Christian I am. I can't be called a Christian. Am I even going to heaven? No, remember salvation. Remember the cross. Remember - but I'm stuck. I'm a mess. "Who will deliver me from this body of death?" "O God, create in me a clean heart, and renew a steadfast spirit.... Restore to me the joy of salvation." What has become of me? Is there any hope? How long will this go on? Could ever I love?
Ahh, would you believe it, I've dealt with the same thing. It's so humbling! It's so frusterating. It's a lot of things. It's hard. It's mind-boggling. Best thing is to just dive into the Bible. Just read and read and read. I've also noticed it's hard to pray at those times.
ReplyDeleteGod has also been teaching me what love really is. It's HIM, quite literally, and frankly I don't know Him well enough to grasp the concept of love fully. Though, of course, none of us can even begin to wrap our heads around God, so in all, it's very humbling.
Sincerely in Christ,
Michaela <><
Yes, read, read, read is right. I explained to my pastor the other week that I was doing that and that it only convicted me further. He responded, "Good!" Following Christ isn't easy, but He is the only Way (John 14:6), and, as you said, He is love (1 John 4:8). Thanks for the encouragement.
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