I suppose the "about me" section of my profile pretty well describes how I feel about writing, especially writing of this sort. The amount of words I can vomit out onto paper, or computer screen, hasn't a large connection to content. I can describe my feelings in paragraphs and essays and extended papers and still feel that I haven't deciphered my emotions. So if none of the following makes sense, please do forgive me; it is merely my frail attempt to crack the code of my mind.
If you have taken a look at my last two entries, you know what has been on my mind lately. It is something deeper and more convicting that I can imagine - love. Ah, yes, that word described by the Bible as "better than life" (Ps. 63:3) and "stronger than death" (Song of Sol. 8:6). Granted, the exact manifestations of love in these two passages are differing, but the English language gives us only one word for love (as opposed to Greek, which gives us agape, phileo, and a few others). Anyway, back to my main point: I'm wrestling with love.
A few nights ago I had the opportunity of serving at the Evansville Rescue Mission with a small group from my local church. Although I used to play music nearly every month at the Mission, it had been quite some time since I had been down there; I was glad for the gift. But I was also struggling: I had left Aaron at the Beales' house and was trying to think of every reason not to return. Nothing valid came to mind, and I certainly didn't want to call anyone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to be with anyone. This is my current plight, and it is certainly disconcerting.
My time there with my brothers and sisters was difficult, as I fully anticipated. Now that I have been weighing my emotions, I feel restless in every action I take. The thoughts of doubt and doom come to mind: What is my motivation in saying this? Am I doing this for attention? You don't love her; you're only putting on a mask. You don't care about what he thinks; you're just being the good church kid. Is this how you act at home? You only think you love him because you haven't seen all of his failures. You're not a saint; you're a hypocrite. The Bible gives loving the Church as the most visible fruit of the believer, and you don't love anyone; you must not be saved at all. Your actions make it look like you're on your way to hell, not heaven. What a disgusting creature you are; you're so sinful. It's hard. It's very hard. But, as always, there is always a flip side of the coin.
"The flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please" (Gal. 5:17) - this is a truth Josh and Ernie and I discussed at the Godshall home on Monday night. And it tells me one thing: if there is not a battle raging in my soul, there is a major problem; for no battle in the soul means no battle against sinful desires. Needless to say, there is a battle in my soul; you've just read about it. While Scripture speaks highly of loving others, it speaks almost equally of killing sin (see Romans about that one). And God is working in me to hate my sin; I know this will eventually lead to loving Him more and loving others as well. And it is because of His working that on that one weekend in the Beale home I just so happened to hear that John and a few others we studying 1 John by reading it over and over again. I have decided to join them and am now reading through 1 John every day; by the end of a month or two I hope to have the entire book memorized. This is the opposition of Galatians 5:17.
And it is God's work in me to battle sin through Scripture. A similar work He performed a few days ago when my thoughts were going to evil and dark places. The Spirit - I know it was the Spirit - brought to mind to counter those evil thoughts Romans 12:1-2, which I had read last week. I gained two major principles from those verses: (1) God wants my body as a sacrifice, and (2) He wants my mind as that of Christ's. Romans 12 is such a perfect reminder of the perfect example Christ laid for us. And that reminder was sufficient for my thoughts to turn from darkness to light. God prevailed. Sin lost that battle.
Do I long to love still? Of course. It torments me every hour. But I must end on the most important note of the masterpiece - the cross. My love doesn't depend on my sinful self. Because Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who is Love, bled and died for my sin, I am free. Salvation depends completely on Him, and I can add nothing to it. No effort of mine to love others will purchase me favor with God, for Christ has already purchased my justification. And if He has bought my salvation, He most positively has gained my sanctification; it is in His hands, not mine. And my longings for love are to be directed toward His kingdom, not my own. He is my example of love; none other can I have, for Christ is adequate. With every desperate plea from my heart to love others, I will seek to love the Lord my God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength - the emotional, the spiritual, the mental, and the physical. From the inside out I will seek His will and His love, and by His grace I will strive to seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. With the renewal of His mercy at every rising sun and the refreshing of His grace every day, in the shadow of the cross I will live a life pleasing to God, a holy and acceptable sacrifice of worship and love.
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