This third week of the semester was a busy one. I haven't had as much time to devote to my journal(s) and blog, because I've been investing in studying - or procrastinating - and getting things done. Life has not been easy by any stretch. I find that whenever I go to study or read an assignment I get distracted. The first two weeks of the semester were filled with will power and energy, as they always are. But, as it always does, that energy seems to have died down now. I forced myself to go to the fitness center yesterday after my class was over, but I couldn't seem to do anything. After putting my valuables in the locker and doing a few exercises on one machine - and not even for long enough to start sweating - I quit. There is a key to unlocking the secrets of my failures though. Just read the previous sentences of this post looking for the word I. That sums it up, doesn't it? Self focus produces self expectation, and failure to meet that expectation brings much disappointment. We all have a measure of what we "should" be doing or at what level in life or activities or studies we are. In my recent past I have, as I so often do, failed to meet those expectations. When I don't write as well as I'd like to, I get upset. When I don't know where to put a comma, I get upset - which makes me wonder if the beginning of this sentence was really an introductory statement needing a comma. When working out just doesn't work out, I get upset. When I fail to read 1 John every day as I had planned, I get upset. When my creativity for poetry goes away, I get upset. When I can't journal, I get upset. When I can't seem to focus, I get upset. I want things my way in my time, and I want to accomplish the things I want to accomplish; I want to do what I want to do. I. I. I. I! Get the point?
So now there is a slough in which... I... am trapped. The only way to remove one's self of pride is first of all by focusing on Christ, then by focusing on others. The most basic problem of pride is that of self focus. But how does a self-focused person turn his attention away from himself? The most practical answer would be to look at the cross - for the cross is the center of love, and love is the antonym of pride. Philippians 2 sums it up quite nicely. Secondly, I must ask myself, "Who needs to be loved? What can I do to show God's love to my brother or sister or Mom or Dad? Who should I call to let him know that I care?" As Josh and I were discussing this problem of pride - or lack of love - we began to make up a list composed entirely of questions (like the ones stated above). In all, I think we came up with about 30 things to ask. No, they're not much; in fact, they're just questions. But living entire days in pursuit of the answer can change everything. Love changes everything. God changes everything. God is love.
Within me there is that groaning that Romans mentions. It is a groaning with all of creation; we long to be made new. How I am beginning to long for the day when I won't have to ask myself, Am I doing this to truly love, or is this just an attempt to manipulate so I can get attention? This is, most certainly, the most difficult thing in my life. It takes me away from fellowship, which eventually turns me to self pity. Sin leads me to further sin. How great, then, the Father's love for us, His children (1 John 3:1). What great peace there is to rest in, for God has freely given us all things (somewhere in Romans 8).
I do not know when I will be able to blog next. Right now I'm just focusing on studying and enjoying the weekend. However, I did want to mention - and I know it's incredibly creative to stick this at the end, right? - that today I finally put together my 200th song. Based on past entries and on what I have mentioned about longing to love and longing to be loved in this entry, I don't think you'll have any trouble figuring out what the song was about.
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