It was only a few weeks ago that one of my close brothers in Christ, who is now on a missions trip in Italy, was telling me that my hurt could lift at any moment and that at that time it just felt very heavy and drawn out because I was in the thick of life. I knew he was right. I reflected to former times when I had gone through heartache. They seemed so long, so endless, yet when they ceased the memory of them was as that of a short season - not a long one. Perhaps I shall soon feel that way about what happened all of last school year.
Yes, it's gone. I truly believe the depths of despair I had been feeling from September through April are gone.
In saying this, I would like to note a few things. First, I am not surprised. My life works in this way. The summer months tend to be the best and brightest months of the year for me - mentally and spiritually. Winter, however, seems to be long and dark. (It is peculiar how life is formed in such a way that emotions can be altered or affixed to the weather).
Second, there are things that remain. I'm human. I still have problems. And much of those problems were what was causing me to despair. It seems that the light of finding new life in God's word, spiritual books, and the upcoming missions opportunities over the summer are lifting me out of that despair (temporarily at least). But there are still going to be times when I muse for a moment on the difficulties of life. That is part of the groaning described in Romans. I long for a new body, new circumstances, new energy. The true fulfillment of those longings will not come until Christ makes all things new.
Finally, worse and better are yet to come. I find myself quite confident that after the summer ends I will once again go in to some sort of emotional difficulty. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I obey, especially when I don't understand. I say especially because if I were to only serve God when I felt motivated to serve Him, my motivation would depend on my emotions, not on the unchanging word of God. Man fails. God does not. That is the premise of salvation, Christian growth, and obedience to the word of God. If I were to depend on myself for grace-driven effort, I would find little grace and little effort, for I am short and inconsistent in both.
God is good. He is faithful. And I am thankful that He has led me to say that He is faithful even in the darkest of times, for He never wavers.
Also, if you find this blog helpful, you may want to check out the blog I began this week:
drivendevotion.blogspot.com
Jon, I love you a ton and this is great news. Actually, I was struggling a lot the last few days and this morning with despondency. Thankfully, I mentioned this to Marco and he had a painful but very useful talk with me. Fight it as I might, the biggest thing still (which is interesting since this was pretty much the same last year when I was here) is that I think I can earn God's favor. That's it. With all its simplicity and unity. There are other factors, but this is the root.
ReplyDeleteYou know, Marco is having me dig up the remnants of an elm tree that he removed not too long ago. You can see where he cut up the tree and dug up the stump, but all around that spot are lots of little elm trees. He said that if any of the roots are left at all after digging up the tree, than the roots will become brand new trees. It's obviously a bit of a nuisance, but what a great reminder. This wrong thinking (to use Marco terminology) must be dug up. (Granted, it will be a life-long struggle). It is the root of so much of my depression. It's the self-righteousness of the Pharisee in the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector; it's the selfishness of the brother in the parable of the prodigal son. It's nasty and it keeps sprouting up despondency.
Anyways, it's a fight but it is encouraging to here that the clouds are lifting somewhat. I wouldn't know for certain if this striving after God's approval (and thus being depressed and feeling cast away from him when performing poorly) is the root of your times of despondency as well, but I thought you might want to know what's causing mine.
So, Romans, Galatians, pretty much the whole Bible--I just need to remember it, its main message: justification by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone.
Ok brother, keep pushing on. I look forward to seeing you again and hope CYIA pushes you toward Christ (although I can't recall if the training is happening right now or not yet). I will try to remember to keep you in my prayers. Break down those fortresses.
Your brother in Christ, by His merit of course,
Bryce
Bryce, I'm glad to hear that you are learning from Marco. Engage in those painful, meaningful conversations. (I had one the other day).
DeleteIt's incredible you should mention that root because I have found mine to be quite similar. A bit of despair returned Friday night, teaching me that it can come quickly as well as leave quickly. Sunday I felt horrible. Yet I felt joy at the same time because the gospel was running through my mind. I think Paul must have felt the same way most of the time.
I can't count on one hand all of the huge failures and embarrassments that have come my way this week. But I also cannot express the immense pleasure I have found in knowing that I am justified once for all. There is no condemnation. And indeed, this is good news.
Continue to pray for me brother; I need it. Graduation is coming soon (June 2), and CYIA is but a few weeks away (June 11-22).
Things are a lot harder without you. I wish you could be here. Know that God will be working for your good and that I will be praying for you.
Coram Deo, my friend.