When Winning is Losing

Last night I was lying in bed, I couldn't help but think of the things to come. In fact, I've been doing that quite a bit lately, and it is an utter hindrance to me: I'm losing sleep! Anyway, in large part I was focusing on the poetry contest one of my poems is in. A few weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail from World Poetry Movement. They expressed interest in the poem by wishing to publish it. I can't remember a time last school year that I was so excited. Furthermore, they ingeminated congratulations by letting me know that my poem, titled "For Liberty," is still in the running in the contest I entered a month or two ago. There will be 116 winners. Only 1 will receive the grand prize of $1000, and the rest will be given medals.


Don't get me wrong. I think it's great that one of my poems is going to be put in a real book. And it would be nice to have $1000. (I've already planned out what I'm going to do with it if, by some odd chance, I end up winning.) But as I was tossing and turning last night, God began to reveal to me this attitude of excitement. Excitement is good. But idolatry is not. Thus far it has been about me - what I will do with the money, how I will be in a book, how my poem is awesome, and bitter thoughts of the like.


But now I'm not sure if I want to win that contest or even be one of the 116 finalists. Honestly I cannot say that my ultimate desire in this situation is to place at the top and run out and buy something that moths or worms, or something, are one day going to eat for lunch. I'm taken to Jesus' words: "What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?" (I'm not quite sure which of the gospels that's found in - maybe Matthew.)


God has been using this year in my life to draw me nearer to Him. It's what I prayed for last summer, and ever since He has faithfully answered. I don't want to pray against that now. I don't want to win something that will cause me to lose spiritually. If money will take me away from devotion to God, I would rather be poor. If fame would lure me away from knowing God, I would rather be unknown. If possessions would take me from the nearness I find in Christ, I would rather be empty. If food takes me away, I would rather starve. If my house takes me away, I would rather be homeless. If life takes me away, I would rather die.

For to me, to live is Christ; 

to die is gain.

Philippians 1:21 

Persistent Difficulties

The fullness of this post can be found in the entry entitled "Jesu, Juva" at drivendevotion.blogspot.com.


All I have to say is that I have nothing to say. It seems there is nothing new of which I can post. All has been said already. Still there are difficulties that persist, and this time they are taking place at home. This is more of an internal thing than a family fight. In fact, things are going incredibly well here at home. I just don't know how to handle it... so I remain mostly silent.


This combined with my anticipation of the upcoming graduation weekend and CYIA training, which starts in precisely two weeks, has me a bit dazzled. It's difficult to handle life right now. With every breath, I must pray for strength. All I need is Jesus Christ. He is all I want.


(See, I can make a short blog post!).

When I am On My Knees

I can't seem to journal or write. My blog is growing dry. My prayers feel like they're stopping at the ceiling. Everything is wearing out and feeling old. There are people I really do want to care for, but I don't know how to love them well. Bitterness is sitting inside my stomach. Tiredness is swelling under my eyes. Nothing seems to be getting done. What do I do?


Have you ever felt like this?


In the dry times of our lives, it is most certainly difficult to know how to honor God. When the Bible seems like a dry land rather than the satisfaction of thirst, it becomes more difficult to read. When praying becomes religious (ritualistic), it becomes a duty - not a delight. How do we keep ourselves from falling away from the faith?


A few nights ago, my Mom took me out to Kohl's and bought me some dress clothes. Now I don't know what it is with me, but for some reason I love getting clothes. I love dress shirts. I love ties. There are few greater feelings (for me) than putting on something professional-looking and going out into the world - chest out, shoulders dropped, head high - being someone. It makes me feel like a businessman, like I'm important.


This is just one example, and there are many more. But my point is that the clothes I brought home on Sunday aren't helping me here on Tuesday. The Dr. Pepper I drank yesterday is in a sewer somewhere. Even the discipline - yes, discipline - of getting into bed last night seemed to be a worthless exercise as I tossed and turned, cringed and wrestled on my bed, pounding my pillow a couple times.


This is a fallen world. Life seems pointless at times. Direction is easily lost, and purpose oft times seems null. When I succumb to these hardships, I find that I lose joy far too easily. But I find that some of the greatest joy I have ever felt has come when I've been on my knees. When I fight against my own resistance of the word and just sit down and draw from what God says, I find rest. There is peace. There is comfort.


And in a world of sorrow, brokenness, hardship, oppression, guilt, evil, resistance, sin, and curse, we can take heart - because Jesus has overcome the world.

If you're average, you give away 17% of your life to this.

There are hundreds of them in Walmart. You can find them in most people's houses. They make a lot of noise but don't to a lot of work. They're in lobbies, on college campuses, in hotels - of course: TVs. Is there even a place in America one can go that's a hundred miles away from the nearest TV? That's a scary thought to me.


I was having this conversation with my brother-in-law Aaron and my (adopted) sister Hannah last weekend in Kansas City. It all started when I went down to the lobby. It was early. I had gotten up before 7:00 so I could go down, eat a somewhat quiet breakfast, and read my book Reformation: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow by Carl R. Trueman. The Today Show was on the lobby TV. As I read, I found myself constantly glancing up at the news and weather reports on the show. I couldn't understand it. Why can't I keep a straight focus on this book? I pondered.


Take a look at this. (Note that it was done by a professor of science and education). How many families in America own TVs? Ninety-nine percent. Sixty-six percent of homes have more than one. Six hours and forty-seven minutes is the average time a TV is on in an American household. Parents spend 3.5 minutes every week having meaningful conversation with their kids while the average child watches 1680 minutes of TV. So the time kids' eyes are focused on the TV is 480 times more than that of meaningful conversation with their dads and moms. The study goes on to say that by the time a child is out of elementary school, he will have seen 8000 murders on TV. Eight thousand. Look at the top of the page: the average American spends 4 hours, 17%, of his day watching TV. If he lives to be 65, he will have given 9 of those years to TV-watching.


(Just as a side-note here, my brother-in-law tells me that the mind is more active while sleeping than while watching TV).


And how many Americans say they watch too much TV? Eighty percent? Or maybe the 66% who own 2 televisions?


Nope. Less than half.


The TV was made for man, but now TV is the master of man. It is for this very reason that I quit Facebook. And it's for this very reason that I'm sick of seeing TVs everywhere I go. Besides Starbucks, I honestly cannot remember the last place I saw a person reading a book; strange, isn't it?


Look around you. When a TV is on, where are people's eyes? Are they on books? On their study notes? On each other?


Yet this is only the beginning. Throw in iPods, iPads, iPhones, iTunes, and whatever other iThingambob there is along with MP3 players, radios, smart phones, dumb phones, COMPUTERS, laptops, PS3, and the Wii - and you get a culture saturated in media. Then add the idolatry of cars, athletes, dieting and exercise, sports, games, food, hobbies, and what-have-you.


What have we done to humanity?


Maybe it's time for me to step back and say, "Hey, wait a minute. I've spent at least twenty minutes texting today, but I haven't even asked my Mom if she needs me to do anything. I've spent hours stuck in front of monitors, but my room is a mess. I've listened to 20 songs but haven't even read from a book. I've driven ten miles and haven't even prayed for my friend who is in Italy doing missions work."


Maybe it's time to take a break. What if we could see the things that Paul talks about that aren't profitable? What would it take for us to be able to say with him, "I will not be mastered by anything"? Let's start using the media for the kingdom of God, not the kingdom of Jon.


Instead of an hour of TV, maybe I could spend an hour praying. Instead of listening to music for forty minutes, perhaps I could help my brother with his homework. Instead of checking my email again, what if I went up to the kitchen and cleaned the dishes? And what if I did it all for the sake of loving God and loving people? What if I lived my life like it was built on the rock of Jesus Christ?


Time.


Talents.


Treasure.


(TV).


They all are gifts from God. May we steward them well.






1 Corinthians 6:12 -
All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.

Thoughts on When the Depression Finally Leaves

It was only a few weeks ago that one of my close brothers in Christ, who is now on a missions trip in Italy, was telling me that my hurt could lift at any moment and that at that time it just felt very heavy and drawn out because I was in the thick of life. I knew he was right. I reflected to former times when I had gone through heartache. They seemed so long, so endless, yet when they ceased the memory of them was as that of a short season - not a long one. Perhaps I shall soon feel that way about what happened all of last school year.


Yes, it's gone. I truly believe the depths of despair I had been feeling from September through April are gone.


In saying this, I would like to note a few things. First, I am not surprised. My life works in this way. The summer months tend to be the best and brightest months of the year for me - mentally and spiritually. Winter, however, seems to be long and dark. (It is peculiar how life is formed in such a way that emotions can be altered or affixed to the weather).


Second, there are things that remain. I'm human. I still have problems. And much of those problems were what was causing me to despair. It seems that the light of finding new life in God's word, spiritual books, and the upcoming missions opportunities over the summer are lifting me out of that despair (temporarily at least). But there are still going to be times when I muse for a moment on the difficulties of life. That is part of the groaning described in Romans. I long for a new body, new circumstances, new energy. The true fulfillment of those longings will not come until Christ makes all things new.


Finally, worse and better are yet to come. I find myself quite confident that after the summer ends I will once again go in to some sort of emotional difficulty. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I obey, especially when I don't understand. I say especially because if I were to only serve God when I felt motivated to serve Him, my motivation would depend on my emotions, not on the unchanging word of God. Man fails. God does not. That is the premise of salvation, Christian growth, and obedience to the word of God. If I were to depend on myself for grace-driven effort, I would find little grace and little effort, for I am short and inconsistent in both.


God is good. He is faithful. And I am thankful that He has led me to say that He is faithful even in the darkest of times, for He never wavers.






Also, if you find this blog helpful, you may want to check out the blog I began this week:
 drivendevotion.blogspot.com

Valleys and Visions

I find it necessary at this time to thank my dear brother Bryce for giving me the book The Valley of Vision. It's a collection of Puritan prayers and devotionals. Although they were written centuries ago, I find that they bespeak those desires of my heart that I cannot put into words myself. It seems that after I read each line, I have to stop and meditate on what the author of the prayer/meditation is saying. Every stroke is so rich, every word so vibrant, every sentence so affirmed by my soul.


This book has helped me lately with my prayer life. I'm coming to the reality that I have never been a prayer warrior. I have loved God's word and memorized and meditated on many portions of it, and I have experienced the joy of seeing the Holy Spirit moving and working in my life - but hardly have I experienced the joy of being on my knees. A week or two ago, I was in amazement at how much joy can be found in prayer. Although I cannot explain it, I find the most joy when I am praying.


I've never been much of a person to talk about "the Spirit" or "angels" or "demons" or "Satan." But God is bringing me to a point where the heavenly realms are becoming more real to me. What I once blamed only on myself, I now see that Satan is working in it too. When I go to read the word or pray, there is always a distraction. Flesh? Yes. Demons? Yes. As a rebuttal, the Holy Spirit drives me to that prayer demons try to destroy. He roots me in the seed of the word that Satan tries to snatch.


I feel alone. I feel lost. I feel betrayed. I feel abandoned. I am powerless to read the word (or work) because of tiredness and unable to nap because of the fear of laziness. I cannot pray because of distraction, and I don't want to eat for fear of gluttony. I back away from fellowship for fear of hypocrisy and step back from love for fear of being broken. When I want to do good, evil is there with me (Romans 7). When I consider evil, I have already failed; for if I view sin as an option I have negotiated, and if I have negotiated I have not resolved to kill sin (Romans 8).


Who knows me?
Who loves me?
Who hears me?


Yet I will wait. I will wait for God. He is my rock and salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest. He is my hope (Psalm 62).

[Insert anything here]?

Today school ended. I am rejoicing externally, yet questions are left unanswered on the inside:


What in the world am I going to do next semester? Is CollegePlus! for me? When will I move out? What about my job situation? Where am I headed in life? Is there any possibility I will avoid the mistakes I made last summer? Am I failing as a poet? Will I really make it to the end of college? Have I been forsaken? Is anyone with me? Who is my friend, and who is my foe? Am I laboring for the kingdom? Am I worth anything? Am I a slave of God or of men? Will praying continue, or is this just a phase? Are angels helping me? Is the Holy Spirit active? How do I live by the Spirit? Am I saved? Am I sharing the gospel? What books should I be reading? Who should I disciple? Who will disciple me? Do I know God's word well? What verses should I memorize? Is this rainy season over, or will more depression come? Am I suppressing happiness? Why does joy feel wrong? How can I still be stuck in self pity? Am I seeking satisfaction in the wrong places? Why do I connect joy with fake friendships? Why do all my friendships feel fake? What am I trying to prove? Who loves me? Who do I love? What do I love? Am I addicted to "stuff"? What are my idols? What are my successes? How am I supposed to pay for college? When am I going to get another job? Am I where I need to be? What is purpose? What is my purpose? How do I fulfill that purpose? Who's in control here?