Salvation from Anger: A New Nature

          I should be finishing my research paper and heading to the shower now - but I can't do that. This is a point in my life when I have finally realized that assignments always get done, even if it seems like I'm going to miss the deadline. So it's important to make time for the important things like journaling in blogging. In this case, I'm killing two birds with one stone, per se. (This entry to my journal is also in my blog).

          It would be expected of myself from myself that I would write about all that has been going on: how hectic school is, my new outlook, my recently reestablished practices, and the like. But tonight I'm eyeballing one thing in particular. Lately my past has been coming to my mind. One of the things that stands out most to me in these days is how angry I used to be. There were days I hated my life so much, yet I didn't even realize it. It was a volcano of energy in me that I didn't know existed. It was only when I found "need" to express my anger outwardly (i.e. "blow up") that I saw it existed.

          Several weeks ago, I had a dream where I felt everything I used to feel as a ten-year-old. It was miserable. All of those wretched feelings locked up inside came back to me. Though I don't know where exactly I was, I remember that my younger brother was there; and in some outburst of anger I yelled, "I hate you!" I hate you - my body shivers just typing those words. Hatred is a dark thing, and I was the most infected carrier of it. The reason I shudder when I say or even think those words is because I remember saying them on more than one occasion. If only I could take them back.

          There is evidence spread all throughout this world that God exists, but I am partial to think that I am the greatest evidence. Why? Because I am the greatest sinner. If ever you could look into my mind for but a mere moment, you would certainly hide your face in your hands and weep. Many of the angry thoughts I once had were probably worse than thoughts of demons. I was a blasphemer, a fool. But God saved me. But. God. Although I hate you are the three most horrifying words in all of existence for me, it has been said by one of my pastors thatbut God are the best words in all of Scripture. I couldn't agree more.

          Although tonight I am having flashbacks, the urge to throw my fist through a wall is now contained. Today I would have exploded on my family twice, but now the Holy Spirit dwells in me. My tongue would have gone completely out of control, and I would have said things that I would come to regret, but God protects me from such harm. Am I perfect? Am I even close? Not by any stretch. As I said before, I'm the greatest sinner. And that applies in this moment. My spirit is the same spirit it was when I was ten years old. But one thing is different: I have been given a new nature. For "I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me" (Gal. 2:20-21).

Wednesday, April 25, 2012, 11:49 PM