A Hope that Gives Joy

I don't know what it is with me having this urge to blog about everything all of a sudden, but this is great. Well, I think it's great. You readers may have different emotions.


By now there is probably no doubt in your mind that my life stinks. If so, congratulations because I feel the same way much of the time.


Last night was pretty difficult. In fact, it was horrible. When my mind gets carried away with past or present circumstances, it's usually not a good thing, and last night that was the case. So I went to bed probably feeling a little bit like Martin Luther did in his day - or maybe more like Teddy Roosevelt.


The good news, however, is the good news - the gospel. It is good because it gives hope, a hope that has an end for which we strive:

When we all get to heaven, 

What a day of rejoicing that will be! 

When we all see Jesus, 

We'll sing and shout the victory.

Seeing what is the unseen, the fulfillment of hope, the end of salvation - it will all be the most wonderful and, quite literally, the most glorious undergoing ever to be tasted.


For the now, however, there is joy in our hope. There is joy because Jesus was raised, and we have fellowship in Him with God. We are a part of a function that will never be dissolved. We are the body, and we are growing through one another.


The past few days have given me great joy in the reading and praying of God's word. There is a filling in Scripture that can be tasted nowhere else, for in nothing other than God is satisfaction. Although the irony is stunning to me, I have found that I have the greatest joy when I am on my knees. I receive strength when I am weak. Out of desperation comes gladness.


My days are filled with songs of praise, for God has been my help.


In Him, I sing for joy.

Psalm 63 (ESV, emphases added)

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
     my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
² So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.
³ Because your steadfast love is better than life,
    my lips will praise you.
⁴ So I will bless you as long as I live;
    in your name I will lift up my hands.

⁵ My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
    and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
⁶ when I remember you upon my bed,
    and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
⁷ for you have been my help,
    and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
⁸ My soul clings to you;
    your right hand upholds me.

Salvation from Anger: A New Nature

          I should be finishing my research paper and heading to the shower now - but I can't do that. This is a point in my life when I have finally realized that assignments always get done, even if it seems like I'm going to miss the deadline. So it's important to make time for the important things like journaling in blogging. In this case, I'm killing two birds with one stone, per se. (This entry to my journal is also in my blog).

          It would be expected of myself from myself that I would write about all that has been going on: how hectic school is, my new outlook, my recently reestablished practices, and the like. But tonight I'm eyeballing one thing in particular. Lately my past has been coming to my mind. One of the things that stands out most to me in these days is how angry I used to be. There were days I hated my life so much, yet I didn't even realize it. It was a volcano of energy in me that I didn't know existed. It was only when I found "need" to express my anger outwardly (i.e. "blow up") that I saw it existed.

          Several weeks ago, I had a dream where I felt everything I used to feel as a ten-year-old. It was miserable. All of those wretched feelings locked up inside came back to me. Though I don't know where exactly I was, I remember that my younger brother was there; and in some outburst of anger I yelled, "I hate you!" I hate you - my body shivers just typing those words. Hatred is a dark thing, and I was the most infected carrier of it. The reason I shudder when I say or even think those words is because I remember saying them on more than one occasion. If only I could take them back.

          There is evidence spread all throughout this world that God exists, but I am partial to think that I am the greatest evidence. Why? Because I am the greatest sinner. If ever you could look into my mind for but a mere moment, you would certainly hide your face in your hands and weep. Many of the angry thoughts I once had were probably worse than thoughts of demons. I was a blasphemer, a fool. But God saved me. But. God. Although I hate you are the three most horrifying words in all of existence for me, it has been said by one of my pastors thatbut God are the best words in all of Scripture. I couldn't agree more.

          Although tonight I am having flashbacks, the urge to throw my fist through a wall is now contained. Today I would have exploded on my family twice, but now the Holy Spirit dwells in me. My tongue would have gone completely out of control, and I would have said things that I would come to regret, but God protects me from such harm. Am I perfect? Am I even close? Not by any stretch. As I said before, I'm the greatest sinner. And that applies in this moment. My spirit is the same spirit it was when I was ten years old. But one thing is different: I have been given a new nature. For "I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me" (Gal. 2:20-21).

Wednesday, April 25, 2012, 11:49 PM

The Best Thing

As I finished Matt Chandler's The Explicit Gospel in the wee hours of this morning, I believe I finally saw what I am to do. Although nothing seems to make sense right now and I am easily distressed - as is evident by former posts - I have been seeing the gospel in the wrong way. Don't get me wrong. I will always be seeing the gospel in one wrong way or another. But for now, part of my vision has been blurred and changed.


I've chosen not to quote the final chapter of the book because that would take quite a while. But the gist of what Matt said - in the context of moralism and therapeutic deism - was something to the effect of, "A moralist falters a bit in his Christian walk then gives up because he thinks that he has let God down." He compared that to a father being angry at his baby child who took his first three steps then fell. Any father who would be disappointed in his child's fall, rather than rejoicing in his steps, would be arrogant.


And so it is with God (according to Chandler).


My life has been about being good, doing this, and doing that. I know it in my head, but my heart doesn't get it: God's message is "done!" not "do." Christ has crucified my old self with Him, and it is no longer I who live. Never could I earn a bit of God's favor or love. It is all free. It is grace.


So the best thing for me to do right now is to find rest and joy - yes, joy - in the gospel. I need strive no more, nor toil any longer, nor labor in vain. For Jesus paid it all.

The Post I Swore I Would Never Make

Many months ago, before this blog began, I hardly even knew what a blog was. I never imagined myself giving updates on my life to anyone who wants to see them. In fact, I can't even remember when I learned what a blog actually was. Even after I began posting on blogger, there were definitely certain things I would limit. Yes, this is, in a way, a journal. But it's not my journal - at least, not exclusively. This is your journal. It's here for you to read and to learn from. It's here so that those who love and care for me can keep tabs with what is going on in my life.


I would have never imagined that I would write this post - not even for the quite small audience who reads my posts. Typically when I am around people or writing to people, I put on some mask: I either lighten up and act like everything is okay or I grab some ashes and rub them under my eyes to show sorrow (not literally). When I'm expressive, I'm expressive. Many times I have tried to heavily confine such openness. At times it is a good thing; other times, not so much. But here I want you to see that I, just like you, am a poor, sad, sick soul in need of every ounce of mercy and grace and love I can grasp.


Here is the explanation. (All of this information has been gathered from my Gmail journal):
• Started a journal entitled "The Journal of Jon" (Thurs., Sept. 22, 2011)
• Worked my first shift at DQ (Fri., Sept. 23). I was quite excited at the time. Little did I know what would happen to that job.
• Submitted an entry entitled "The Unknown Prayer" (Wed., Oct. 12).
• Continued to see "rays of hope in God's word" and believed that God "[was] not far away" (Wed., Oct. 12).
• Almost was rear-ended by a fast-moving vehicle (Fri., Oct. 14).
• Attended a funeral (Tues., Oct. 18).
• Put in the happiest entry of my journal to date (Mon., Oct 24).


And the ensuing slope:
• "I'm not alright" (Fri., Nov. 4).
• "Distress and depression are still looming around every corner" (Fri., Nov. 11).
• "Today I descended to what may be the very lowest point of my life. My spirit is in ruins; my heart is broken; my hope has run out. Never in my existence have I felt so helpless, so desperate" (Sat., Nov. 12).
• "What heaviness has been resting on my heart today" (Sun., Nov. 13).
• "Dear God - my God - save me from my own sinfulness" (Tues., Nov. 17).
• "I no longer taste any joy" (Tues., Nov. 17).
• "Every trace of joy that I had once known is now all dried up and withered... My body is wasting away; my spirit is broken; my heart is shattered; my world is gone" (Mon., Nov. 28).
• "Yesterday I was too depressed to get out of bed" (Sat., Dec. 10).
• Lost my job (Sat., Dec. 17).
• "When I woke up in the morning the weight of my sin was ever upon me; that sick feeling in my stomach didn't help at all" (Mon., Jan. 2, 2012).
• "Today I felt as though I couldn't talk to anyone at all" (Sat., Jan. 28).
• "For the first time in a long time, I feel alone" (Mon., Feb. 6).
• "I'm constantly distressed (and depressed). I don't love the word as I should. I struggle to pray" (Sun., Mar. 18).
• "When I look at all that is left to do and the issues of love, friendships, and sincerity tugging on me, I become distressed. It is difficult... My thoughts are only evil" (Wed., Apr. 18).


Yet there was always that ray of hope. Even when all was lost, there was one thing that remained. And I journaled about it, posted about it, prayed about it, strove for it. At the end of almost every entry that contained some mentioning of depression, there was always something about hope.


And that is why I never thought I would post this: because now I see little hope and I feel alone. After all that has happened, how could I ever move on? (Once I knew the answer to that question.) Distress is so faithful to me.


The hurt is heavy.


The pain is deep.


And I feel lost.

Divine Sovereignty: The Fuel of Death-Defying Missions

Divine Sovereignty: The Fuel of Death-Defying Missions : Together for the Gospel by David Platt.

Tonight I listened to this sermon once again. When I heard it the first time at the T4G, it made me regret almost everything I think, say, and do.

The Gospel I Have Underestimated

After an incredible three-day conference, Together for the Gospel, in Louisville, it is an understatement to say that I have been utterly impacted by the underestimated gospel. Although I was heavily anticipating the opportunity to hear wise men speak of things that even angels long to look into, the experience was magnified when compared to my expectations. I could write for hours (or at least many minutes) on the experiences therein, but that is much too long for a blog. Maybe I'll write a book about it.


From start to finish, the event was gospel-focused, gospel-centered, and gospel-exalting. We heard the gospel, talked amongst each other of the gospel, sang the gospel, and experienced the gospel. By God's grace, I was encouraged especially by the messages that stimulated me to find hope in difficult times. Ligon Duncan, C.J. Mahaney, John Piper, and Matt Chandler all spoke things that I clung to. For most of the conference, I felt like it was simply my being there that was keeping me alive (spiritually). It seemed to me that when I would finally return to Evansville, all of those wonderful things I heard would vanish no matter how much "effort" I put into keeping them fresh in my mind and that I would go back to being the same depressed, lukewarm person I sinner I've been - unchanged, unloving, ungrateful, unmerciful.


This all would change the last night (Thursday). In the final session, I broke into tears thinking in my heart Lord, why me? Why would you want to save ME? These prayers came as the ~9000 voices in the Yum! Center were singing: "Because a sinless Savior died / My sinful soul is counted free / For God, the Just, is satisfied / To look on Him and pardon me." (Such a grace cannot be repaid with any amount of gratitude). And later:

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of Love and Righteousness -
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

Wow. What powerful words! I am amazed - truly amazed. How I have underestimated this gospel of God's grace. How I have neglected standing firm in this faith. How I forget to pray by the Holy Spirit and wait for God's mercy. This is the greatest gift ever given, the greatest plan ever carried out, the greatest treasure ever found, the greatest hope ever fulfilled, the greatest story ever come true. Indeed, it is "of first importance." It is the power of mercy.


And all I can say is,

Why 

ME?

Who Does that in America Anyway?

I saw a friend at school today. As I was sitting in the second-floor student commons, he popped out of a hallway. (By his shaggy red hair, I immediately recognized him). Since we hadn't talked in a little while, we began talking about what was going on. Much to my surprise, he told me that he had been suppressing God's calling for him to be a missionary and that he was changing all of his life plans so that he could go to a Bible college in Wyoming and be trained in the ministry. Just like that.


Now, my first thought was, Woah, woah, woah. Hold on there, Bryce. How exactly do you know this is God's will? How did He "tell you"? But that doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. This guy is dropping everything he had counted on to serve indefinitely reaching lost people with the gospel. Who does that in America anyway?


It has been said - and I told my friend this - that Satan's greatest fear is when there is a follower of Jesus Christ who doesn't know or understand everything about a situation but chooses to obey God anyway. This is exactly what Bryce is doing. He doesn't want to give up his plans and dreams. But God is telling him too. (I believe it!) And that is the greatest commitment of faith I've seen in a long time.

A Time for Everything

I cannot find a way to put into words everything I have felt this year. It has been perhaps the most critical, transitional time of my life. And to be quite honest, I've hated it. I still do. And I hate it because of all the sin I see in myself. If I could put the extent of my feelings about myself into words, it would horrify you. For I feel that even hell itself would spit me out upon the bitter taste of my soul. I am a selfish, arrogant, lustful, hypocritical lying thief - and I see no less when I look into the mirror.


This is why I want to stay the way that I am, for I fear that if I lose sight of it and become unbroken, I will become even more evil (however possible that may be). This contrition is the very thing I asked for. Without my full realization, I pleaded with God that He would fill my life with wormwood. It was not until such a bitterness entered Jeremiah's life that he saw the incredible mercy of God (Lamentations 3:19-24). And the "wormwood and bitterness" have caused me to see God's mercy in a new way, for the first time ever. I wouldn't trade it for anything.


However, like Jeremiah it seems that hope for me is only a distant light nearly drowned by all of the darkness around me. That small portion of Lamentations 3 is the only hopeful part of the book; the rest is misery. Because of the struggles, choices, sins, and difficulties faced this school year, I am a totally different person. (Many people are witnesses). Once I was mostly happy, with little room for sorrow; now the opposite is true. Once I would speak much; now, not so much. There was one time I would take hold of things I now shun. I would enjoy things I that now make me sorrowful. I believe things I once didn't, and I do not believe things I once did.


Everything has changed. And I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3: there is a time for everything, for every event in this life. And this time is a one for dying, for uprooting, for killing and tearing down, for weeping and mourning, a time for throwing stones, for shunning embracing, for giving up, for throwing away, for tearing apart, a time for silence, a time for hatred, and a time for war. God has seen fit to make these appropriate for this time. And though I never could have imagined myself saying it in all of this, this is the time of my life. Because this is when I grow and change. This is how character is built. There is no other way. So in this time, I am content.

The Story of My Life

4/6/12

Winter’s sounds and summer sights
Spring’s smell and autumn nights
Past fear, last year
Right here, right there
Sacred dreams and childhood lies
Holy screams and lonely cries
Foolish fear and wants unwise -
Tonight they’re all before my eyes
I cannot escape that lonely home
That locked me up with nowhere to roam
But in broken masquerades
Circus acts, acrobats, plays
We were lions in a cage
I was the puppet on the stage
Professing God but every day
Choosing first my own way
And in the meantime I took trips
To practitioners; all tricks, sticks, flips -
I tried it all just to please them
Hoping I could deceive them
Maybe even leave them
But never believe them
Or accept their medications
Over meditations
Of a broken heart
A bleeding sore
From the start
Wanting more
More than all the problems I had
More than one more sin screaming I was bad
More than just a pop-up mom or dad
I guess I just wanted to be glad
Away from my mistakes
Away from all my fakes
Away from chores and tasks
Away from lying masks
I just needed someone to step in
Someone who understood the fear and pain I felt within
Someone who could somehow remove my sin
I needed out of my cell
I didn’t know much about it, but I was headed right to hell
I needed an escapist
From the robbing rapist
I loved
I was
I wondered if there was ever help to stop the cheating
Ever healing to stop the bleeding
Ever a man to do the leading
Ever a satisfaction to give the love I was needing
I remember times I just wish I’d died
And thought of finding a gun for myself (suicide)
I hated life, I hated self, I hated everything
I hated love, I hated hurt, I hated all my dreams
And sleepless nights I just tossed in my bed
The secrets I kept locked inside my head
The feeling of living as already dead
With no one to take my stead

I was out of hope, out of dreams, out of life

Until that day I felt something I had not before:
The peace and the love I was yearning for
Soon it removed the dark lines that were on my face
As I finally felt rest in this thing called “grace”
All the guilt and all the hurt had finally gone away
And all I wanted to do was read the word and pray
And finally I knew I didn’t have to bear my blame
For there was One who was perfect and who came
To save me
To help me
Someone who held me
And heard me
And finally there was someone I knew who loved me

Since then have formed the scars
Every now and then I have my fears
I’ve almost been killed by a couple cars
I’ve sighed and cried a couple thousand tears
I’ve assured on end that all is alright
Hoping they will see past my disguise
And in an almost perfect sight
Determine otherwise
But for once I know I’m not alone
I have a Savior who will every day depone
Before God that He did atone
For all the wrongs I’ve ever done
This is the story of my life
You can look past the masks
I have nothing to hide
In present or in past
I’m nothing beautiful or great
Just a soul that God loves
Just a heart that God saved
Just a person dying every day
And fully living more
Than I ever dreamed I could before
Before that day back in ‘O’seven
That late night - past eleven -
When I already thought it was too late
But fell to my knees in tears and God saved

If nothing else ever happens
If nothing else ever matters
This does
Every day I thank God for this
And that I know forever
His love

I have a similar story - this one's just from the hood

A true story.

Just Like You - from the album Rehab.

Lecrae ft. J. Paul

Hook: J-Paul

I just wanna be like you,

Walk like, talk like, even think like you

The only one I could look to

You're teaching me to be just like you

Well I just gotta be like,

I just gotta be like you

Verse 1: Lecrae

Dear, Uncle Chris, Uncle Keith, Uncle Ricky,

Before the Lord get me 

I gotta say something quickly: I 

Grew up empty since my daddy wasn't with me - shoot.

I wasn't picky; I'd take any male, figure you.

Stepped in at the right time;

It's 'cause of you that I write rhymes.

(You probably never knew that).

I loved the way you used to come through come through,

Teach me to do the things that men do.

And true -

You showed me stuff I probably shouldn't have seen,

But you rebelled and made it out your teens.

And took me under your wings.

I wanted hats, I wanted clothes just like you,

Lean to the side when I rolled just like you.

Didn't care if people didn't like you;

You wanna bang, I wanna bang too

Skyline, Pyru.

You would've died, I would've died too.

You went to prison, got sick, lost your pops -

Yeah, I cried too.

You never know who's right behind you.

Gotta a little son now and he do whatever I do.

But it's something deep inside you

That tell it's gotta be more than doing what other guys do.

They had nobody there to guide you

But I followed your footsteps and this shouldn't surprise you,

You realize you?

You, you

Yeah, I just wanna be like you.

Hook

I just wanna be like you -

Walk like, talk like, even think like you,

The only one I could look to.

You're teaching me to be just like you.

Well I just gotta be like,

I just gotta be like you.

Verse 2

Now all I see is money, cars, 

Jewels, stars,

Womanizers, tough guys, guns, knives, and scars,

Drug pushers, thugs, strippers, fast girls, fast life -

Everything I wanted and everything I could ask life.

If this ain't living and they lied well.

Guess I married an old wives' tale

Wow. Fail.

I don't know another way to go;

This is the only way they ever showed.

I got this emptiness inside that got me fighting for approval because I missed out on my daddy saying, "Way to go,"

And get that verbal affirmation on know how to treat a woman,

Know how to fix an engine

That keep the car running.

So now I'm looking at the media and following what they feed me -

Rap stars, trap stars,

Whoever wants to lead me.

Even though they lie, they still tell me that they love me.

They say I'm good at bad things; at least they proud of me.

Hook

I just wanna be like you -

Walk like, talk like, even think like you,

The only one I could look to.

You're teaching me to be just like you.

Well I just gotta be like,

I just gotta be like you.

Verse 3

I was created by God, but I ain't wanna be like Him -

I wanna be Him:

The Jack Sparrow of my Caribbean.

I remember the first created being

And how he shifted the blame on his dame

On fruit he should't have eaten.

And now look at us all out of Eden,

And now look at us all that are eating,

Wearing designer fig leaves by Louis Vuitton.

Make believe it.

But God sees through my foolish pride,

And I'm weak like Adam - another victim of Lucifer's foolish lies.

But then in steps JESUS.

All men were created to lead, but we need somebody to lead us -

More than a teacher,

But somebody who buy us back from the darkness;

You can say He redeemed us,

Taught us that real leaders follow God,

Finish the work 'cause we on our job

Taught us not to rob,

But give life love a wife like He loved the Church -

Not seeing how many hearts we can break first.

I wanna be like You in every way,

So if I gotta die everyday -

Unworthy sacrifice,

But the least I can do is give the most to me

'Cause being just like you is what I'm 'sposed to be.

They say You came for the lame;

I'm the lamest.

I made a mess; You say you'll erase it;

I'll take it.

They say You came for the lame;

I'm the lamest

I broke my life, but you say you'll replace it -

I'll take it.

Life-Changer

Perhaps now I am beginning to understand what began as an "impossible" prayer request last summer, elevated to an almost suicidal depression last semester, and leveled at a steadfast distress early this year. I am now faced with what will probably be the biggest string of decisions I will make this year - maybe even this year, the one before it, and the one before that (and so on). Honestly I'm quite reluctant to say anything whatsoever about this, so hopefully no one will read this blog. It just makes me feel good putting this post up here.


What has been said to those friends I have but hinted to is this: it's the heaviest and most critical decision I will have made in a long time, I'm extremely excited about it, I'm concerned, and it may be one of the best things to happen to me in quite some time. My mind is ecstatic. I can't stop thinking about it. And, consequently, I can't seem to get anything done anymore. Loads of homework await me, but I'm occupied. Because of my heavy contemplation and prayer, I am finding myself unable to complete work in the day and unable to sleep at night.


Everything is falling into place perfectly. I may take a huge step. Maybe I won't. But now it seems that this would be just one more step in my crafty scheme to become invisible to people. It would be shocking. And I like that because I'm tired of everything I was and everything I used to do. My life is completely changed, and this would change it even more.


I fear not the journey. I fear not the risks. I fear not failure. And I fear not fear. My God is with me; He is working all things together for my good. He loves me, and He is for me; He has saved me, and nothing can steal me; He is a conqueror, and I conquer through Him. And if He holds everything in the palm of His hand and decrees every event under the sun, I know I can trust Him. He is the One. He is my God.