Being Loveless and Feeling Hopeless

          Well, not to be depressing or anything... Inside there is a little chuckle in me, for I know what will follow. I'm just going to be honest here: today is going down as the absolute worst day of January 2012 (so far). Yes, I know that's a very encouraging way to start a blog entry. But today I discovered myself in the depths of the mire of despair. As you can tell by the front end of the entry title, this depression came from my ever-present problem.
          It is a strange thing being convicted of not loving people. It's a pride issue, really (as noted by a former entry, "Pride's Antonym of Love"). Here is the typical case:

I go out somewhere, usually to my local church. I'm feeling okay when I'm reminded of my problem. How'd I get here? I have no clue - conviction, I guess. Maybe it's the Spirit that's convicting me. Anyway, there stands my once-close friend. I love him (or her)... or, I did, until I discovered I don't love anyone. At least, I don't feel like I love anyone. Jon, avoid him. You only want to talk to him for your own benefit. You don't care about how he's doing; you care only and ever about yourself. Reluctantly I walk away, torn by the thought that I will be depressed whether I stay or avoid. Oh, so now you're good. You see, Jon, you're so humble now that you're convicted about love. Congratulations; you're a super saint - stop! You can't think that, or else you'll lose your high standing as a humble person. Wait. Does such a standing exist? Now I'm stuck in this mire of depression. And I've been thinking about myself this whole time. So I am stuck in pride (self pity) and in loveless-ness. I clam up and avoid any glance at those familiar faces. I am swallowed in confusion. I'm then hurt. The rest of the day is haunted by my greatest fear - that I am wallowing in self pity (terminology taken from the Grinch) and hating love. Remember God's promises! Remember Romans 8. Jon, there is no condemnation - BUT I FEEL LIKE A DAMNED CREATURE! Indeed, "nothing good dwells in me" - that's the part of Romans I know. Paul can argue all he wants, but I am the chief of sinners. And now that I have thought that to myself I am going to think what a great Christian I am. I can't be called a Christian. Am I even going to heaven? No, remember salvation. Remember the cross. Remember - but I'm stuck. I'm a mess. "Who will deliver me from this body of death?" "O God, create in me a clean heart, and renew a steadfast spirit.... Restore to me the joy of salvation." What has become of me? Is there any hope? How long will this go on? Could ever I love?

Spending Some Time With Ordinary Teenagers

          I say "ordinary" because it was very easy to preconceive incorrect notions about them. I had the unique opportunity today of visiting a children's home in Carmi, IL with Melissa and some of the youth and members at Oakhill Baptist Church. Some of the teenagers, who were living at this campus in Carmi away from their families, had been sent to the place by court rulings; others were there for various reasons, and some may have been orphans or foster kids. It was a blessing to be there; I was grateful for the opportunity to go. I did, however, have struggles throughout the day. Sometimes it was hard just knowing what to say or how to make conversation - with the teenagers at the children's campus and with the teenagers of OHBC. I was reminded again of how weak and fake my love is - or feels. My sin was prevalent at different parts of the day; my mind wasn't set completely on Christ. But He worked through my weaknesses, and I was still glad for the opportunity. Getting out of my own little world is a wonderful thing, and that is why I chose to go on the trip. Although I didn't feel as though I was able to connect very strongly with any of the teens, it was ministry. Ministry comes in various ways, shapes, and forms. Sometimes it means just hanging out and letting people know that you care. Doing that today was my ministry. I pray that, though my pride is great and my love is small, God will use me for His kingdom.

Pride's Antonym of Love

     This third week of the semester was a busy one. I haven't had as much time to devote to my journal(s) and blog, because I've been investing in studying - or procrastinating - and getting things done. Life has not been easy by any stretch. I find that whenever I go to study or read an assignment I get distracted. The first two weeks of the semester were filled with will power and energy, as they always are. But, as it always does, that energy seems to have died down now. I forced myself to go to the fitness center yesterday after my class was over, but I couldn't seem to do anything. After putting my valuables in the locker and doing a few exercises on one machine - and not even for long enough to start sweating - I quit. There is a key to unlocking the secrets of my failures though. Just read the previous sentences of this post looking for the word I. That sums it up, doesn't it? Self focus produces self expectation, and failure to meet that expectation brings much disappointment. We all have a measure of what we "should" be doing or at what level in life or activities or studies we are. In my recent past I have, as I so often do, failed to meet those expectations. When I don't write as well as I'd like to, I get upset. When I don't know where to put a comma, I get upset - which makes me wonder if the beginning of this sentence was really an introductory statement needing a comma. When working out just doesn't work out, I get upset. When I fail to read 1 John every day as I had planned, I get upset. When my creativity for poetry goes away, I get upset. When I can't journal, I get upset. When I can't seem to focus, I get upset. I want things my way in my time, and I want to accomplish the things I want to accomplish; I want to do what I want to do. I. I. I. I! Get the point?
     So now there is a slough in which... I... am trapped. The only way to remove one's self of pride is first of all by focusing on Christ, then by focusing on others. The most basic problem of pride is that of self focus. But how does a self-focused person turn his attention away from himself? The most practical answer would be to look at the cross - for the cross is the center of love, and love is the antonym of pride. Philippians 2 sums it up quite nicely. Secondly, I must ask myself, "Who needs to be loved? What can I do to show God's love to my brother or sister or Mom or Dad? Who should I call to let him know that I care?" As Josh and I were discussing this problem of pride - or lack of love - we began to make up a list composed entirely of questions (like the ones stated above). In all, I think we came up with about 30 things to ask. No, they're not much; in fact, they're just questions. But living entire days in pursuit of the answer can change everything. Love changes everything. God changes everything. God is love.
     Within me there is that groaning that Romans mentions. It is a groaning with all of creation; we long to be made new. How I am beginning to long for the day when I won't have to ask myself, Am I doing this to truly love, or is this just an attempt to manipulate so I can get attention? This is, most certainly, the most difficult thing in my life. It takes me away from fellowship, which eventually turns me to self pity. Sin leads me to further sin. How great, then, the Father's love for us, His children (1 John 3:1). What great peace there is to rest in, for God has freely given us all things (somewhere in Romans 8).
     I do not know when I will be able to blog next. Right now I'm just focusing on studying and enjoying the weekend. However, I did want to mention - and I know it's incredibly creative to stick this at the end, right? - that today I finally put together my 200th song. Based on past entries and on what I have mentioned about longing to love and longing to be loved in this entry, I don't think you'll have any trouble figuring out what the song was about.

More Longings for Love

I suppose the "about me" section of my profile pretty well describes how I feel about writing, especially writing of this sort. The amount of words I can vomit out onto paper, or computer screen, hasn't a large connection to content. I can describe my feelings in paragraphs and essays and extended papers and still feel that I haven't deciphered my emotions. So if none of the following makes sense, please do forgive me; it is merely my frail attempt to crack the code of my mind.


If you have taken a look at my last two entries, you know what has been on my mind lately. It is something deeper and more convicting that I can imagine - love. Ah, yes, that word described by the Bible as "better than life" (Ps. 63:3) and "stronger than death" (Song of Sol. 8:6). Granted, the exact manifestations of love in these two passages are differing, but the English language gives us only one word for love (as opposed to Greek, which gives us agape, phileo, and a few others). Anyway, back to my main point: I'm wrestling with love.


A few nights ago I had the opportunity of serving at the Evansville Rescue Mission with a small group from my local church. Although I used to play music nearly every month at the Mission, it had been quite some time since I had been down there; I was glad for the gift. But I was also struggling: I had left Aaron at the Beales' house and was trying to think of every reason not to return. Nothing valid came to mind, and I certainly didn't want to call anyone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to be with anyone. This is my current plight, and it is certainly disconcerting.


My time there with my brothers and sisters was difficult, as I fully anticipated. Now that I have been weighing my emotions, I feel restless in every action I take. The thoughts of doubt and doom come to mind: What is my motivation in saying this? Am I doing this for attention? You don't love her; you're only putting on a mask. You don't care about what he thinks; you're just being the good church kid. Is this how you act at home? You only think you love him because you haven't seen all of his failures. You're not a saint; you're a hypocrite. The Bible gives loving the Church as the most visible fruit of the believer, and you don't love anyone; you must not be saved at all. Your actions make it look like you're on your way to hell, not heaven. What a disgusting creature you are; you're so sinful. It's hard. It's very hard. But, as always, there is always a flip side of the coin.


"The flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please" (Gal. 5:17) - this is a truth Josh and Ernie and I discussed at the Godshall home on Monday night. And it tells me one thing: if there is not a battle raging in my soul, there is a major problem; for no battle in the soul means no battle against sinful desires. Needless to say, there is a battle in my soul; you've just read about it. While Scripture speaks highly of loving others, it speaks almost equally of killing sin (see Romans about that one). And God is working in me to hate my sin; I know this will eventually lead to loving Him more and loving others as well. And it is because of His working that on that one weekend in the Beale home I just so happened to hear that John and a few others we studying 1 John by reading it over and over again. I have decided to join them and am now reading through 1 John every day; by the end of a month or two I hope to have the entire book memorized. This is the opposition of Galatians 5:17.


And it is God's work in me to battle sin through Scripture. A similar work He performed a few days ago when my thoughts were going to evil and dark places. The Spirit - I know it was the Spirit - brought to mind to counter those evil thoughts Romans 12:1-2, which I had read last week. I gained two major principles from those verses: (1) God wants my body as a sacrifice, and (2) He wants my mind as that of Christ's. Romans 12 is such a perfect reminder of the perfect example Christ laid for us. And that reminder was sufficient for my thoughts to turn from darkness to light. God prevailed. Sin lost that battle.


Do I long to love still? Of course. It torments me every hour. But I must end on the most important note of the masterpiece - the cross. My love doesn't depend on my sinful self. Because Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who is Love, bled and died for my sin, I am free. Salvation depends completely on Him, and I can add nothing to it. No effort of mine to love others will purchase me favor with God, for Christ has already purchased my justification. And if He has bought my salvation, He most positively has gained my sanctification; it is in His hands, not mine. And my longings for love are to be directed toward His kingdom, not my own. He is my example of love; none other can I have, for Christ is adequate. With every desperate plea from my heart to love others, I will seek to love the Lord my God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength - the emotional, the spiritual, the mental, and the physical. From the inside out I will seek His will and His love, and by His grace I will strive to seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. With the renewal of His mercy at every rising sun and the refreshing of His grace every day, in the shadow of the cross I will live a life pleasing to God, a holy and acceptable sacrifice of worship and love.

Confessions on Trying to Love

When it all comes down to it,

Well, I have a confession to make.
You see, when I’m around you
And you see my love for you - it’s all fake.
I’ve tried to love in purity,
But effort and love are different.
Love is based on what Jesus did;
My efforts just make me distant.
Trying to love by will
Is like putting ornaments on a fake Christmas tree
And saying, “Hey look! It bore fruit!”
All that rubbish is vanity.
And just between you and me -
I think I have more lust than love.
And do you want to know my motive in hanging out with you?
Myself is the only thing I can think of.
I’m sorry. I just had to tell you the truth,
And I thought this would be the best way.
I’ve been trying to think about genuinely loving you - even while writing this -
But in the back of my head I can only hear Lecrae.
And there he’s praying for himself;
I figure I’ll do the same for me.
I’ll pray that God will change
And work His will in open heart surgery.
Yeah, now you’ve heard where I really am.
See, I made a resolution to “cut the crap.”
Well, I guess this is it
In this little poem or rap.
Will you pray that I will love
With the same selfless love Christ spoke and showed on the cross:
“Forgive them,” to those who hung Him.
I suppose that’s the cost.
Now for love - for God -
I offer all the passion I have.
Take and use it for Your glory;
God, please help me love.

My [Lack of] Love

     I suppose I will be taking many of Bryce's thoughts for this entry. So do forgive me, Bryce, but you and I both know how similarly we feel at times.
     Yes, beware. This entry will entail my feelings and emotions, particularly love. Love is a very strange thing, because no matter how much effort one gives, he cannot control his love. It will be dead, or minimal, or maximal, or fierce and crazy. But it has absolutely nothing to do with will - not human will anyway. I can try as hard and as long as I want to love my enemies, and if I do, great; but love is not my own doing, because God Himself is love. He is many other things too, and He desires many other things from us, but I believe love is at the top of His priority list (if you don't believe me read Romans and 1 Corinthians). So now we have a premise - love is God's will,not man's.
      Many times throughout my high school years have I desired to have a love so deep for my peers that the whole world would be able to say, "Wow! God lives in that person!" And how I have desired to love those people I come into conflict with. How I have longed to love my family. But I suppose a huge part of why I feel as though I have wasted much of my life during high school is my lack of ability to love. I've talked to people about this feeling of wasting time, and they have told me, "Jon, you haven't wasted your high school years. Remember, you did..." Sure, that can be encouraging. But my distress in this comes not from what I did do; it's what I didn't do that bothers me.
     This morning in Romans 12:9-13 I studied some basic guidelines for life on loving without hypocrisy. Take a look at what the passage says: "Love without hypocrisy... be devoted to one another in brotherly love... give preference to one another in honor... contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality." Am I doing those things? Not by a long shot. And what happens when I take the 1 Corinthians 13 test: "Jon is patient" - okay, that's far enough; I get an "F." I don't want to read the part that says love goes beyond patience and is kind. I don't want to believe the part that says love will bear the burden of trial and come out a victor through the rubbish, because I really don't want to weather any storms right now. Life is fine for me. I'm good enough. Don't bother me with all this super-sainty stuff about love.
     Last night I read the first few pages of a book entitled Worldliness. C.J. Mahaney composed the first chapter - and I "love" C.J. Mahaney. The very first page of the book was dedicated to the example of Thomas Jefferson... and his scissors. He didn't appreciate the heavy conviction of the Bible, so he snipped out the sections that he liked and pasted them to "The Jefferson Bible," then left the things about hell and accountability and such in the original. Do you think 1 Corinthians 13 was in the Jefferson Bible? I doubt it. And if it was, he probably didn't give a second thought about it; it was a mistake. When I give it a deep thought, 1 Corinthians 13 and Romans 12 aren't in the Jon Ross Selective Version. It's passages like those that are hard to swallow.
     And this year so far has been one massive conviction for me; I think my heart is 10 sizes too small. So I judge people. Very easily to I become annoyed. And when I don't get the attention I want (and heaven forbid the universe revolve around someone other than me), I grumble. I am a living illustration of James 4:1-4. I have lusts, and when they are not gratified I kill and destroy. These lusts mar my time with believers - in their homes, in church services, and in youth group. They keep me from being lively in a conversation. They prevent me from sending another encouraging text. They cause me to be angry with my family. Why God chose me to be His vessel, I will never know, for I am the most hateful of all saints.
     But this brings me to the conclusion: God's working and God's love don't depend on my (in)ability and my strength - or lack thereof. You see, I know a Man who never did have lusts. He never argued with His family, He was never bitter toward His peers, He never slandered or back-talked, He was never malicious or murderous, and He never thought an evil thought even about those who hated Him most. And one day He went and died on a cross to give a purpose for life. He showed His love because of my inability to love. He was merciful to me because of my malice. And that is something I will never be able to fully grasp. But it is the heart of love, the center. This is the model God has given us to follow. He sent His Son to be a living example. And how do I respond day after day but by proudly lifting my head in the air and thinking of myself and myself only. Yet still, where sin abounds grace abounds all the more. And no, that doesn't mean everything is okay with me being inwardly angry and malicious. But it does mean that God is merciful to me and that His faithfulness to me never fails, even when mine to Him does.

A Look Into The Journal of Jon

     Well, here I go with another project in my life. Welcome to The Journal of Jon! You may be asking at this point what in the world "The Journal of Jon" is exactly. Good question. And I figure that's as good a place as any to start this blog. The Journal of Jon is the title I have given to my journal on Gmail. In August 2011 I began to look over old writings - songs, journals, and poetry - and soon became obsessed with the past. It was almost as if I was living in it. And so I desired to start a journal to create a place where I could run to reflect on what God had been doing in my life. Many times before I had tried to journal, but it never seemed to last very long. So I decided to take a different approach to journaling. Inspired by a Google Chrome commercial, I ventured to make a new Gmail account (thejournalofjon@gmail.com) in which I could compose and send journal entries to myself and store them in folders. And so it was. 
     The Journal of Jon turned into much more than just another journal. It began to hold my life. Before I knew it I was putting the most personal and sentimental items, events, entries, poems, and other ditties in my new solace. I now visit this journal at least twice a day. This blog you are now reading is a small peak into a part of The Journal of Jon. Here, if you do visit often - and oh, how I hope you do! - you will be able to see past the lies of the mask I put on when I am out and about. You will have a look into the real life of Jonathon Matthew Ross. So welcome, welcome to The Journal of Jon.