Could this be the answer to all of life?

I've only been back from Phoenix for a few days, but those few days have felt like lingering months. It's incredible how time - as if to make things worse for us humans - brings itself to a slothful blur of boredom during the darker periods of our lives. And it's also incredible to me how exactly I feel during this time in particular. I don't feel suicidal. It's as if my suffering has something deeper, something behind it. Maybe there's some mystery waiting to be revealed. Maybe it's just that I know God is working in my life in unique ways right now. Perhaps it's the assurance that "this too shall pass." There's always some horrible sin in my life; maybe that's it. Throw my guilt on top of that and we have some more to go on. And, of course, there is that wonderful option: "all of the above" or "both A and C." I can't put my finger on it.

There is, however, my best guess. And I'm going to go with the idea that there is no single thing. It's many things. So maybe it would be a good idea to sort these things according to how much impact they have on my well (or not-so-well) being. (I just realized that this definitely shouldn't be a blog post because sorting out personal circumstances and feelings is rather sticky, but as long as I'm at it I may as well keep going).

1. Sin. And I don't mean just any sin. I mean the sin I'm dealing with now. Oh, don't feel left out. Whether you know it or not, you're dealing with one sin in particular right now too. Mine happens to be telling me every day, "Jon, you're a hypocrite and a loser. You fail. And you will continue to fail for the rest of your life. Now that I've told you all of that, come and try in vain to find as much gratification in me as possible so I can steal your joy and make you more depressed".

2. Sin. I mean a different sin than #1. This is the one that is making me go into my deep and dark cave and cower from the light. It's the anger, the rage, the contempt that keeps me from being - well, a sane person. Hence this causes me to see a "good" friend and turn and walk the opposite direction. It makes me stay at home and meditate on just how poor of a soul I am.

3. Guilt. I never believed I had a very strong conviction of sin. Recently, however, a close brother of mine told me otherwise. In fact, he thinks I have an incredible conviction of sin. Yeah, now you're jealous, right? Yay for strong conviction! Who wouldn't want to hang his head low all day and, as the Grinch puts it, "wallow in self-pity." At least - and in all seriousness - I know I have the Holy Spirit.

4. A desire for holiness. I can't decide if that's a completely accurate depiction, but it sounds better than "a lust for being as good as the (Christian) Jones family." In Arizona, I met a lot of people who weren't afraid to reach out their hands and say, "Hey! I don't think I've introduced myself yet. My name is ________." It was amazing. My family in Phoenix doesn't realize it (yet), but I saw more of God at Jack and Patty's house in one night than I've seen in myself in a month. So now, of course, I'm "stimulated to love and good deeds" (Heb. 10:24). I want to follow the Romans 12:9-13 model that was displayed right before my eyes earlier this week. But here I am back in "E-ville," Indiana where the weather is lukewarm and my excitement has nowhere to run. [Insert reality smack-in-the-face here].

5. A want for more. My desire for holiness spurred by the love of family members has me wanting not only to love like Christ but to be crazy in the way I live for Him. I'm having flashbacks to Francis Chan's book Crazy Love. I want to be that guy! Chan is my inspiration. And if I were to trade my life for someone else's for one day, I would probably take his. This fuel on the fire of I want to love like I'm going to die in an hour has ignited into I hate the normal, the average, the lukewarm, and anything close to them. I want to spit them out of my mouth and be a person that someone looks at and thinks he's way out in left field because he's passionate for loving and serving Jesus by loving people to no end. Lord, if I'm going to waste my life, kill me before it happens. "If I can't live for You, / I want to die. / You gave me Your life. / God, take mine." 

6. Total depravity. This is how I've heard it explained: by "total depravity" we don't mean that man is as evil as he could be. Total depravity means that man, in and of himself, is totally unable to serve or please God; contribute to salvation; or, in any way, shape, or form, do anything good or anything that move one inch toward good. In terms more applicable to my current estate: I have #5, but because I have #6 I can't do anything by myself. I need God's help. How easily I forget that I have the Holy Spirit. Oh, and as far as this whole doctrine of total depravity and Calvinism goes - if you're not a Calvinist, ask God to show you just how much of a sinner you are. Ask Him to humble you and to draw you nearer to Him than you could ever imagine (that's what I capriciously prayed to Him). Then wait. In due time, you'll believe in  total depravity because you'll see it in yourself.

7. Confusion. I just can't seem to figure it all out. I don't know what to do. Isn't that what always happens when we get into ruts like these?

8. Personal emotions. This should be way higher on the list. But this works its way into all of the aforementioned and all of the following. There are so many things I love, and there is so much I hate. I am jealous for some things, and I abhor others. Song of Solomon 8:6 and Proverbs 27:20 are some of the wisest words on human emotions. The truths therein play out in my life every hour.

9. Busyness. Get homework done. No, don't procrastinate. Get that announcement together and email it. Go to the office. Don't forget to file that report. Remember to make that call. Oh, you have a text you didn't look at. Write a poem. No, not that first. Journal. Blog. Get up. Relax for a bit. Oops, you forgot. Why isn't this done yet? You get the point.

10. Hedonism. It doesn't matter so much what it is I'm doing or missing out on, I just want to be as happy as I can be. And that happiness can be found only in the One whom I've felt a little distant from lately. With such a heavy list in #1-9, it's hard to make time to pray, to worship, to seek my happiness. But this is the key that unlocks all. If I find joy in God, I will do all that I do for the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31), and #9 will no longer be a burden. Number 8 will turn from a contribution to depression to pure bliss, for if I find full and complete gladness in God I will only love every emotion I have. If I am joyful in God, #7 will cease, for when we are walking with our Maker we find all purpose and meaning of life. Number 6 will still be true, but it won't hinder; rather it will make me all the more thankful for God's grace. I'll finally possess #5. Tasting God's fullness will drive me to holiness, so #4 would no longer be a thorn but a vision for living. Number 3 would be wiped out because in the gladness of God there is no room for guilt; in Jesus Christ all guilt is taken away by the cross. Numbers 1 and 2 would also vanish because I would be seeking my complete satisfaction in Christ and would cease to try to drink from broken cisterns (Jer. 2:13). And as a final note, rejoicing in God means rejoicing always (1 Thess. 5:16) because God is eternal; "always" means "at all times," and "at all times" includes times of trial (Rom. 5:1-5; Jas. 1:2-4).

Therefore, gladness in God is the only thing (that I can think of) that can weather me through the difficulties of life. Gladness in God comes only by looking upon God, and looking upon God comes only through the wisdom of God in His word. God has given us His very word in the Bible. So at last, I have a conclusion: read Scripture. And don't just read it. Take it to heart. Meditate on it day and night; make it your pleasure (Psalm 1:2). To find success - I'll say it again - meditate on it day and night (Josh. 1:8). Love it more than life, for God's love is in it, and God's love is better than life (Ps. 63:3).


I'm not exactly sure how I came to this conclusion or if every step was correct, but I have no regrets in stopping here. I am confident in Scripture. And I am well content to say that loving it and treasuring it above all else on this earth is the best thing for me - or anyone else struggling - to do right now.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace