No More Left for Me

When all the dirt is washed away
And there is nothing I can say -
The wrath was poured out at the tree
And there is no more left for me

If Nothing Else

There is, on rare occasion, an intimate, passionate cry of my heart that says, O God, even if nothing else good happens to me, I want to know You and to be known as Yours; I want to love You and to be loved by You; I want to draw near to You and to feel Your presence - because Your love is better than life and Your presence is like water in a dry land.

In Seasons

3/20/12


Though my mind is now betwixt
Knowing not the rhymes or reasons
My life by God has been fixed
Not in days but in seasons
And this one is one to tarry
This one grey while others merry
Now is not the former days
This countenance abides below
Dying hopes of times of yore
Now is not as former stays
As I recall bliss I did know
And I am left wanting more

It seemed one time as a recession
(Typical of such at first)
And quickly plunged into depression
Degrading life from worse to worst
As I fell into a pit
Searching for escape from it -
The very thing for which I prayed
A year ago, yet partly knowing
A wave would carry me away
And little then the sea delayed
Thus I yearned that God be showing
Grace and faithfulness each day

I sought that such distress be lifted
By the mercy of the hand
That approved my life be sifted
As if helpless grains of sand
That first day I’d not forget
And the time I would regret
Petitioning with little aim
A grand scope I was yearning for
Impossibilities to plead
Blind to that which later came
Ravaging and leaving sore
This spirit that began to bleed

Yet with ev’ry rising sun
Of spring mire of the feeling
I’m reminded of the One
Who holds all hope and help and healing
Past my countenance my eyes
Lift to see that hope arise
Knowing not as He does
With all wisdom from above
Knowing not His times and reasons
But resting that he is and was
My only Life, my only Love
In days and weeks and months and seasons

Amazing Grace - for the past, for the present, and for the future

It seems, for the time being, that I am at a milestone on this trail we call life. "Through many dangers, toils, and snares," I am realizing that life itself gives little comfort. Life is dark. (Doesn't every writer come to experience this?) But thankfully God's truth doesn't stop at "snares." No, rather it sounds something like this:

Through many dangers toils and snares
I have already come
His grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home

Yes, it will. Not only has His grace saved me, which gives me every reason in the world to rejoice for all of eternity, but also He is going to take me to a place of unending joy:

Yea, when this heart and flesh shall fail
And mortal life shall cease
I shall possess within the veil
A life of joy and peace

I am looking forward to that day. And sadly I have to admit that right now I am mainly looking forward to it because my fears and hurts will all be removed. Yes, that is something worth looking forward to, but how much greater is the One who will remove those afflictions, Jesus Christ. How far greater would it be to experience even this life with its troubles with Him than traverse this journey in merrymaking without Him. He, not healing, is the Treasure. When I get to heaven, I want to let Him know that. At first glance - if there is any possible way - I want to run to Him and jump in His arms in love. And finally I want to fall at His feet and kiss them. How I am looking forward to meeting my Treasure! But until then, His unseen fellowship and sufficiency will be my munificent supply:

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures 

 

"When I am hindered by my doubt"

When I am hindered by my doubt
And toil through torrents of my sin
In thankfulness I ask without
And feel Your perfect peace within

"...but not despairing."

          The theme in this blog, as of late, has been times of difficulty. I thought it beneficial to inform the readers that recently I have been feeling something new: as if my struggling is for a particular purpose. That doesn't make it easy. But as I am dying daily, I am not despairing. This is different than how it has been in the past, and it reminds me of Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 4. My hero Sarah, who also happens to be my cousin, once showed me this passage, and it has helped me in my times of need:

⁸ We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; ⁹ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; ¹⁰ always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. ¹¹ For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

My "affliction" pales in comparison to Paul's and the early church's, but God is using it to manifest His life in me. It is only by the grace of God that I am not despairing. And by His grace I will endure, I will grow, I will have life in His name.

In the Sea

2/29/12

Hear the story of the ocean
The sailor in the sea
The challenging of every notion
He holds currently:

Waves are heavy; clouds are dark
Hold on to a savior
Beware - the enemy’s remark
Will insult your behavior

You have slid into the deep
You are falling down
Remember now to always keep
That savior you have known

You can float up to the top
Seeking only ease
Or determine not to stop
Chasing perfect peace

The deeper you decide to swim
The harder it will be
The pressure grows; sun goes dim
Until you cannot see

But do believe that all abuses
The darkened ocean hurls
Have their purposes and uses
Discovered at the pearls

The path is yours; swim on longer
And one day you will see
This depression made you stronger
The struggle made you free

Could this be the answer to all of life?

I've only been back from Phoenix for a few days, but those few days have felt like lingering months. It's incredible how time - as if to make things worse for us humans - brings itself to a slothful blur of boredom during the darker periods of our lives. And it's also incredible to me how exactly I feel during this time in particular. I don't feel suicidal. It's as if my suffering has something deeper, something behind it. Maybe there's some mystery waiting to be revealed. Maybe it's just that I know God is working in my life in unique ways right now. Perhaps it's the assurance that "this too shall pass." There's always some horrible sin in my life; maybe that's it. Throw my guilt on top of that and we have some more to go on. And, of course, there is that wonderful option: "all of the above" or "both A and C." I can't put my finger on it.

There is, however, my best guess. And I'm going to go with the idea that there is no single thing. It's many things. So maybe it would be a good idea to sort these things according to how much impact they have on my well (or not-so-well) being. (I just realized that this definitely shouldn't be a blog post because sorting out personal circumstances and feelings is rather sticky, but as long as I'm at it I may as well keep going).

1. Sin. And I don't mean just any sin. I mean the sin I'm dealing with now. Oh, don't feel left out. Whether you know it or not, you're dealing with one sin in particular right now too. Mine happens to be telling me every day, "Jon, you're a hypocrite and a loser. You fail. And you will continue to fail for the rest of your life. Now that I've told you all of that, come and try in vain to find as much gratification in me as possible so I can steal your joy and make you more depressed".

2. Sin. I mean a different sin than #1. This is the one that is making me go into my deep and dark cave and cower from the light. It's the anger, the rage, the contempt that keeps me from being - well, a sane person. Hence this causes me to see a "good" friend and turn and walk the opposite direction. It makes me stay at home and meditate on just how poor of a soul I am.

3. Guilt. I never believed I had a very strong conviction of sin. Recently, however, a close brother of mine told me otherwise. In fact, he thinks I have an incredible conviction of sin. Yeah, now you're jealous, right? Yay for strong conviction! Who wouldn't want to hang his head low all day and, as the Grinch puts it, "wallow in self-pity." At least - and in all seriousness - I know I have the Holy Spirit.

4. A desire for holiness. I can't decide if that's a completely accurate depiction, but it sounds better than "a lust for being as good as the (Christian) Jones family." In Arizona, I met a lot of people who weren't afraid to reach out their hands and say, "Hey! I don't think I've introduced myself yet. My name is ________." It was amazing. My family in Phoenix doesn't realize it (yet), but I saw more of God at Jack and Patty's house in one night than I've seen in myself in a month. So now, of course, I'm "stimulated to love and good deeds" (Heb. 10:24). I want to follow the Romans 12:9-13 model that was displayed right before my eyes earlier this week. But here I am back in "E-ville," Indiana where the weather is lukewarm and my excitement has nowhere to run. [Insert reality smack-in-the-face here].

5. A want for more. My desire for holiness spurred by the love of family members has me wanting not only to love like Christ but to be crazy in the way I live for Him. I'm having flashbacks to Francis Chan's book Crazy Love. I want to be that guy! Chan is my inspiration. And if I were to trade my life for someone else's for one day, I would probably take his. This fuel on the fire of I want to love like I'm going to die in an hour has ignited into I hate the normal, the average, the lukewarm, and anything close to them. I want to spit them out of my mouth and be a person that someone looks at and thinks he's way out in left field because he's passionate for loving and serving Jesus by loving people to no end. Lord, if I'm going to waste my life, kill me before it happens. "If I can't live for You, / I want to die. / You gave me Your life. / God, take mine." 

6. Total depravity. This is how I've heard it explained: by "total depravity" we don't mean that man is as evil as he could be. Total depravity means that man, in and of himself, is totally unable to serve or please God; contribute to salvation; or, in any way, shape, or form, do anything good or anything that move one inch toward good. In terms more applicable to my current estate: I have #5, but because I have #6 I can't do anything by myself. I need God's help. How easily I forget that I have the Holy Spirit. Oh, and as far as this whole doctrine of total depravity and Calvinism goes - if you're not a Calvinist, ask God to show you just how much of a sinner you are. Ask Him to humble you and to draw you nearer to Him than you could ever imagine (that's what I capriciously prayed to Him). Then wait. In due time, you'll believe in  total depravity because you'll see it in yourself.

7. Confusion. I just can't seem to figure it all out. I don't know what to do. Isn't that what always happens when we get into ruts like these?

8. Personal emotions. This should be way higher on the list. But this works its way into all of the aforementioned and all of the following. There are so many things I love, and there is so much I hate. I am jealous for some things, and I abhor others. Song of Solomon 8:6 and Proverbs 27:20 are some of the wisest words on human emotions. The truths therein play out in my life every hour.

9. Busyness. Get homework done. No, don't procrastinate. Get that announcement together and email it. Go to the office. Don't forget to file that report. Remember to make that call. Oh, you have a text you didn't look at. Write a poem. No, not that first. Journal. Blog. Get up. Relax for a bit. Oops, you forgot. Why isn't this done yet? You get the point.

10. Hedonism. It doesn't matter so much what it is I'm doing or missing out on, I just want to be as happy as I can be. And that happiness can be found only in the One whom I've felt a little distant from lately. With such a heavy list in #1-9, it's hard to make time to pray, to worship, to seek my happiness. But this is the key that unlocks all. If I find joy in God, I will do all that I do for the glory of God (1 Cor. 10:31), and #9 will no longer be a burden. Number 8 will turn from a contribution to depression to pure bliss, for if I find full and complete gladness in God I will only love every emotion I have. If I am joyful in God, #7 will cease, for when we are walking with our Maker we find all purpose and meaning of life. Number 6 will still be true, but it won't hinder; rather it will make me all the more thankful for God's grace. I'll finally possess #5. Tasting God's fullness will drive me to holiness, so #4 would no longer be a thorn but a vision for living. Number 3 would be wiped out because in the gladness of God there is no room for guilt; in Jesus Christ all guilt is taken away by the cross. Numbers 1 and 2 would also vanish because I would be seeking my complete satisfaction in Christ and would cease to try to drink from broken cisterns (Jer. 2:13). And as a final note, rejoicing in God means rejoicing always (1 Thess. 5:16) because God is eternal; "always" means "at all times," and "at all times" includes times of trial (Rom. 5:1-5; Jas. 1:2-4).

Therefore, gladness in God is the only thing (that I can think of) that can weather me through the difficulties of life. Gladness in God comes only by looking upon God, and looking upon God comes only through the wisdom of God in His word. God has given us His very word in the Bible. So at last, I have a conclusion: read Scripture. And don't just read it. Take it to heart. Meditate on it day and night; make it your pleasure (Psalm 1:2). To find success - I'll say it again - meditate on it day and night (Josh. 1:8). Love it more than life, for God's love is in it, and God's love is better than life (Ps. 63:3).


I'm not exactly sure how I came to this conclusion or if every step was correct, but I have no regrets in stopping here. I am confident in Scripture. And I am well content to say that loving it and treasuring it above all else on this earth is the best thing for me - or anyone else struggling - to do right now.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

A Couple of Recent Poems

Have Mercy on Me, Lord - 2/29/12
From the collections Poetry from the Spring: 2011-2012 and Praying for Mercy.

Have mercy on me, Lord
Not for how I feel
But for who I am




My Plea - 3/8/12
Psalm 51:1 - From Praying for Mercy.

For what I’ve been
And what I’ve done
For where I am
And where I’ve gone
Father, hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

For what I do
And how I feel
For substituting
Fake for real
Father, hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

For what I will
And will not do
For or from
Or fighting You
Father, Hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

For how I think
And how I talk
(Inconsistent
With my walk)
Father, hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

For my fear
Complacency
And luke-warmth
Taking over me
Father, hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

For my malice
For my pride
For my “love”
By which I’ve lied
Father, hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

For my glory
For my fame
And all I’ve stolen
From Your name
Father, hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

For the cross
On which You killed
You Beloved
And His blood spilled
Father, hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

For the slime
And filth I am
For choosing to be
A spotted lamb
Father, hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

For adding evil
To this sphere
For taking up
Existence here
Father, hear my plea:
Be merciful to me

Not for me
But for Your Son
And for Yourself
Most Holy One
Father, grant this plea:
Be merciful to me

I Will Not Lose Heart

          Have you ever had "one of those days"? Well, imagine one of those days being five out of the seven days of your week and you'll know what my life is like. I'm kidding of course. But it's easy to fall into that type of thinking when life isn't going the way you want it to. Those who know me well know that I struggle with self pity. In fact, I'm so self-focused most of the time I'm not even aware of how others are really doing. As struggles continue to gnaw at me on the inside, I remain inward-focused. Why is that?
          The Sunday-school answer: "I'm a sinner." The more accurate answer: I'm a horrible sinner deserving of hell, and it is only by God's mercy that I walk this earth. It is the love, grace, and kind faithfulness of my Savior that is at work in me through every wilderness. How grateful I am. While I may not necessarily enjoy the struggle, I hold on to the perseverance and character built (Romans 5:1-5; James 1:2-4). The small difficulties of this time are producing an infinitely heavy weight of glory; I will not fear, I will not lose heart (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).