It's the story retold. I go to pray, I pause, I pray, I falter, I fail. And eventually all I can say is, "Help me." Then again, that's not a bad thing to pray. Yet there is unrest in my spirit. I'm not satisfied - not yet. So I become like Jacob and try to wrestle. Oh, that I would have the strength of that heel-grabber!
But no. My strength fails me.
So I skip ahead. Rather than wrestle all afternoon as Jacob did all night, I jump to his request: the blessing. Will I receive the reward without the means? And yet all I am is spent. I'm weary of spiritual things and full of worldly ambition.
"God, I want to be still. But I am totally dependent on You. I need You to 'enlarge my heart' that I may obey You. O God, 'unite my heart to fear Your name.' It is only Your grace that allows me to follow. Give me that grace, God."
For a moment I am still.
"Thank You."
And as I ponder the lusts in the world, I begin to see the vanity. So I ask Him,
"What am I waiting for, Father? To whom shall I go?"
His Son, still interceding, enters the conversation:
"'You do not want to go away also, do you?'"
And I give the same response as His little rock did:
"'Lord, to whom shall [I] go? You have the words of eternal life.'" I continue, "'And now, O Lord, for what do I wait. My hope is in you.' What do I have if I have not You? Apart from You, what is there?"
Jesus does not respond, for He knows He does not need to. Now I see. And thus I come to the conclusion:
"'You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.'"
Genesis 32:24-30; Psalms 16:2; 39:7; 46:10; 86:11; 119:32; John 6:66-67.
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