Remembering the Story of My Life

The Story of My Life
Originally composed and posted April 6, 2012


Winter’s sounds and summer sights
Spring’s smell and autumn nights
Past fear, last year
Right here, right there
Sacred dreams and childhood lies
Holy screams and lonely cries
Foolish fear and wants unwise -
Tonight they’re all before my eyes
I cannot escape that lonely home
That locked me up with nowhere to roam
But in broken masquerades
Circus acts, acrobats, plays
We were lions in a cage
I was the puppet on the stage
Professing God but every day
Choosing first my own way
And in the meantime I took trips
To practitioners; all tricks, sticks, flips -
I tried it all just to please them
Hoping I could deceive them
Maybe even leave them
But never believe them
Or accept their medications
Over meditations
Of a broken heart
A bleeding sore
From the start
Wanting more
More than all the problems I had
More than one more sin screaming I was bad
More than just a pop-up mom or dad
I guess I just wanted to be glad
Away from my mistakes
Away from all my fakes
Away from chores and tasks
Away from lying masks
I just needed someone to step in
Someone who understood the fear and pain I felt within
Someone who could somehow remove my sin
I needed out of my cell
I didn’t know much about it, but I was headed right to hell
I needed an escapist
From the robbing rapist
I loved
I was
I wondered if there was ever help to stop the cheating
Ever healing to stop the bleeding
Ever a man to do the leading
Ever a satisfaction to give the love I was needing
I remember times I just wish I’d died
And thought of finding a gun for myself (suicide)
I hated life, I hated self, I hated everything
I hated love, I hated hurt, I hated all my dreams
And sleepless nights I just tossed in my bed
The secrets I kept locked inside my head
The feeling of living as already dead
With no one to take my stead

I was out of hope, out of dreams, out of life

Until that day I felt something I had not before:
The peace and the love I was yearning for
Soon it removed the dark lines that were on my face
As I finally felt rest in this thing called “grace”
All the guilt and all the hurt had finally gone away
And all I wanted to do was read the word and pray
And finally I knew I didn’t have to bear my blame
For there was One who was perfect and who came
To save me
To help me
Someone who held me
And heard me
And finally there was someone I knew who loved me

Since then have formed the scars
Every now and then I have my fears
I’ve almost been killed by a couple cars
I’ve sighed and cried a couple thousand tears
I’ve assured on end that all is alright
Hoping they will see past my disguise
And in an almost perfect sight
Determine otherwise
But for once I know I’m not alone
I have a Savior who will every day depone
Before God that He did atone
For all the wrongs I’ve ever done
This is the story of my life
You can look past the masks
I have nothing to hide
In present or in past
I’m nothing beautiful or great
Just a soul that God loves
Just a heart that God saved
Just a person dying every day
And fully living more
Than I ever dreamed I could before
Before that day back in ‘O’seven
That late night - past eleven -
When I already thought it was too late
But fell to my knees in tears and God saved

If nothing else ever happens
If nothing else ever matters
This does
Every day I thank God for this
And that I know forever
His love

True Religion

If there are any who still read this blog...

I have come to find the last post quite interesting, strangely prophetic. Sometimes in life it's so easy to get caught up in reading the Bible, practicing spiritual disciplines, and claiming repeatedly that God is our desire. But so often we forget to put wheels on what we read or pray. This has been the case for me for quite some time. I think I'm too fat spiritually because I'm not working out enough.

But there are people in my life who love me enough to tell me so - and sometimes in harsher language than that. Once I made the mistake of telling a friend that I needed a good kick in the pants every now and then, and it was the best mistake I have ever made. It hurt. But it helped. There is a love called brutality.

The name that starts with a J, has an o in the middle, and ends in an n has been too frequently on his mind lately. The ninth letter of the alphabet has been the starting word of far too many sentences (even in this post). There is no excuse. The couch is now sinking in because the legs are not moving.

And what has God said about this? That pure and undefiled religion is to care for the orphans and widows. It does not matter how much of God's word can be crammed into the Pharisee's heart if the listener does not act upon God's words. Jesus said that listener who doesn't put his faith to practice is like an idiot who built a house on the sand. He had no foundation. He fell.

And so will be the destiny of all who build on anything other than the Cornerstone of Christ.
Beach homes are nice, but they don't weather the storm.

Thank you to all who push me to build on the Rock. Forgive my hypocrisy and laziness; I have no excuse. And may God forgive me for all the times I've failed Him and sought other things. By His grace, this life will not be on the couch forever but pressing onward and upward toward conformity to Christ, love for the church, and true religion in the world.